Assets at the National Security Agency have intercepted extensive email and internet chatter from sources within the United States and abroad regarding an alleged birth of a special child in a rural farm just yesterday, December 25th, almost certainly a small town known as “Bethlehem” in Pennsylvania. Due to the apparently unique circumstances of the birth, and the potential security threat of a child rumored to be the start of a social movement undermining the role of government as the people’s exclusive moral compass, we request permission to place federal and state security assets on high alert.
Federal officials were first alerted to a potential disturbance when an abnormally bright star was spotted in the sky in the vicinity of Bethlehem. Teams at NASA and the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration reported normal atmospheric conditions at the time. However, over the last 24-hours, research teams at both agencies are now speculating that global warming may have caused this unusual phenomenon.
Drone surveillance has permitted us real-time gathering of evidence in our effort pinpoint the exact location and circumstances of the alleged miraculous birth.
A confidential informant sent to the location has informed us of a shocking situation on the ground. It is said that the child was born in a barn, surrounded by various livestock, without the aid of medical doctors, other care givers, certified midwives, or even a licensed doula. We have therefore sought the assistance of the Departments of Health and Human Services and Agriculture, as well as inspectors at the Food and Drug Administration, to determine the full extent of federal health and agriculture regulations that likely have been violated. As a preventive safety measure, we suggest all livestock present be seized, quarantined, and tested.
Representatives from the Occupational Safety and Health Administration also have been dispatched to the area so as to ensure all occupational safety regulations are upheld, given the birth is said to have occurred on what appears to be a commercial farm. We are certain that at the very least, poor lighting and ventilation in the barn may be placing everyone’s health and safety at immediate risk.
Moreover, despite numerous hotels being located in the vicinity of the alleged birth, it appears the parents were denied accommodation. This raises the possibility, if not likelihood, that public accommodation laws have been violated. This information will, of course, be passed to the lawyers at the Civil Rights Division at the Department of Justice.
Finally, it is our preliminary recommendation that we contact local Child Welfare Services to prepare to have the newborn child placed into the custody of the State. It is our firm belief that a prompt and multi-faceted response to this incident will send a very clear message that this Administration will not tolerate willful violation of public health and safety mandates. However, considering the recent successes enjoyed by civilian entities in securing court injunctions against Executive Branch actions, we recommend plans be initiated to ensure the Department of Justice is fully prepared to defend our actions in court.
Mr. President, we will update you regularly as more information becomes available regarding this highly unusual and disturbing breach of regulatory norms.
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